zoey, my dear i would love to hear your thoughts behind this piece..
i gathered some insight, however only you know the true extent..
are you coming to jess steds on saturday? we could chat then!
i would offer som advanced critique sadly i am neither advanced nor a critic so it would not offer such value... i fear that i may have averted my mind to such language as may have been more common in the past. however.
i still love my king. and i still love you.
so all is well,
what are you doing tomorrow?
i have a sore foot... not really sure what is wrong with it.. but i cant do anything including walk.. my mum says i must stay home tomorrow...
so i could absolutely do with a visitor?
anyway... that is all.

love jess

--
Love is the Movement.

.. ah never fear ! lol u said lots of sentences there..
and today i promised to visit my aunt for a bit, but after that, i can come around, in the afternooin.. so maybe.. by then u prob wont want company. either way, let me know!

over and out.
zoey

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'As it seems to be accounted for, we will live gracefully and suddenly now. Goodnight.' - Anonymous

hmm. well simple often is better especially when portraying emotions. i would probably put a little uncertainty before the 'him' parts. is she imagining his voice because she wants to hear it too much? or perhaps just mentioning something about her mind starting to realise who it is. also, she is looking directly into the eyes of these people but its not until he talks that she realises... it seems strange.. im assuming its drive thru. any way that is my way advanced critique coz i am such an expert *cough cough*

--
How you spend your days is, of course, how you spend your life.

good ideas there.. i might try to use it a bit... and i dont want to completely go blegh, this is wat it means... but its just a voice.. a real voice, but a faceless one.

--
'As it seems to be accounted for, we will live gracefully and suddenly now. Goodnight.' - Anonymous

I feel a little odd critiquing this becuase i really quite like it but since you asked, here goes.

the repetition of "him...him...HIM!" is good but the second time should probably not contain the same element of surprise and revelation that the first does. She has, after all, already realised that this person, either real or imgained, is there. I don't know if it was what you intended so please tell me if i'm wrong but the elipses and the jump from lower to upper case implies sudden realisation and i'm not quite sure if that same realisation should repepat itself so immediately.

Perhaps choosing a word other than simply "gone" to end it with? The one word thing works but only if you choose your words carefully. Try using something more emotionally indicacative of the situation, it would probably have more impact. If your not sure about that though, it does still work so there's no need, it would just be my personal preference, hehe.

That's all i can see for the moment. Good work, well done.

Chocolate medals all round!

--
All matter is simply energy condensed to a slow vibration and we are, therefore, one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. We create our own worlds, yet are shaped by our connections to one another, from our love to our hate. We are one.

wow thanku.. i especially like the improvement on the him bit.. that's so true, so i'll repair that.. and the gone, i agree with, i was unsure of it too.. i have to ponder over a better word though. that's fabulous.. that made so much sense, i'm really happy about that!!
thanku heaps!

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'As it seems to be accounted for, we will live gracefully and suddenly now. Goodnight.' - Anonymous

feel free to re-read it. i took ur advice and changed it.. plus i found other stuff as well that i wanted to change. i'm really happy about ur massive comment actually..

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'As it seems to be accounted for, we will live gracefully and suddenly now. Goodnight.' - Anonymous

These changes really make a difference, you've done really well here. That one word ending actually works better now that you've prefaced it with "Just", I'm glad you did that rather than change the word.

Great stuff.

As for the comment, glad you found it helpful.

"Always a pleasure, never a chore"

--
All matter is simply energy condensed to a slow vibration and we are, therefore, one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. We create our own worlds, yet are shaped by our connections to one another, from our love to our hate. We are one.

great. i appreciate u helping me, it seems like a better piece now. so thanks!

--
'As it seems to be accounted for, we will live gracefully and suddenly now. Goodnight.' - Anonymous